Pathological Demand Avoidance in Adults: What Parents Should Know

If you’re a parent who struggles with anxiety, overwhelm, or even what feels like an internal revolt when someone places a demand on you, whether it’s your partner asking for help, your child needing attention, or a boss assigning a task, you’re not alone. You may be experiencing traits associated with pathological demand avoidance in adults, a little-known but impactful profile of autism.

Originally identified by developmental psychologist Elizabeth Newson, pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is a pervasive developmental disorder characterized by an intense need to avoid demands, even routine ones. While it’s often discussed in the context of children, especially those who exhibit oppositional or defiant behavior, it’s important to note that many adults live with undiagnosed PDA patterns. And if you’re a parent, the challenges of managing your own responses while supporting your child can feel especially overwhelming.

As a parenting coach who works with highly sensitive people (HSPs) and neurodivergent families, I want to unpack what PDA may look like in adults, especially those who are raising children, and how you can create supportive, self-aware strategies for your day-to-day life.

Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical or mental health advice. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized support, and use this information at your own discretion and pace.

What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance in Adults?

Let’s start with the basics: PDA is not about being stubborn or lazy. It’s a response to extreme anxiety that arises when a person feels they are being controlled or expected to do something, even something they might want to do.

In adults, this can manifest as:

Difficulty completing tasks, even those you’ve chosen yourself
A strong internal resistance to schedules, appointments, or obligations
Emotional dysregulation when demands are placed unexpectedly
Using humor, charm, avoidance, or social strategies to sidestep expectations
Feeling more comfortable in role play and pretend settings than in real-life pressure situations
Trouble managing work, household responsibilities, or parenting needs without burnout

This is not the same as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). While ODD is often labeled as intentional defiance, PDA is anxiety-driven, not rebellious. Many adults with PDA traits are misdiagnosed, or misunderstood entirely, because of how they resist and avoid demands that seem simple to others.

Parenting Through the Lens of PDA

Parenting always comes with stress, but if you’re an adult with PDA tendencies, the daily needs of your children may feel especially triggering. The constant flow of demands in daily life, meals, bedtimes, homework, emotions, and messes, can activate the PDA profile quickly.

You might notice yourself:

Snapping at your child when they ask for help, even though you love them deeply
Avoiding important tasks like school paperwork, doctor appointments, or playdates
Feeling guilt or shame for struggling with what others seem to handle effortlessly
Oscillating between being fully engaged and emotionally unavailable

Parenting from this place can be exhausting. And yet, for many highly sensitive people with PDA traits, becoming a parent is the first time they begin to see just how deeply this pattern affects them.

Could Your Child Have PDA Traits, Too?

Sometimes, it’s through our children that we recognize our own neurodivergence. If you’ve found yourself wondering whether your child might be neurodivergent, especially if they exhibit extreme avoidance, intense meltdowns when asked to do something, or are comfortable in pretend play but shut down during transitions, they may share traits associated with the PDA profile.

It’s common for parents of PDA children to also carry similar traits. This makes parenting more complex, but also more compassionate. When you see your child’s resistance not as defiance, but as a coping mechanism for anxiety, you can start to reframe your parenting strategies. And when you apply that same lens to yourself, a deep healing begins.

What Helps Adults with PDA?

If any of this sounds familiar, take a deep breath. You are not broken. And you are not alone.

Here are some gentle supports I recommend for adults navigating pathological demand avoidance in adults, especially those who are raising kids:

1. Lower the Stakes

The more pressure you feel, the more likely you are to resist. Look for ways to reduce urgency and soften expectations in your day-to-day routines. Reframe tasks as choices rather than requirements.

2. Name It Without Shame

Language matters. The word pathological can feel harsh, but having a name for your experience can be validating. Whether or not you’ve been formally diagnosed, identifying with the PDA profile can help you seek the right tools.

Use Body-Based Calming Tools

Because PDA is rooted in extreme anxiety, calming the nervous system is foundational. Movement, breathing, EFT tapping, or guided meditations can be supportive.

4. Prioritize Self-Regulation Before Co-Regulation

You can’t help your child regulate their emotions if you’re completely dysregulated yourself. Taking just 60 seconds to ground yourself can transform a hard parenting moment.

5. Invest in Support That Understands Sensitivity

That’s exactly why I created Healthy Sensitivity, a four-part audio program designed for HSPs and emotionally intense parents. Each session offers new insights and tools you can use in real time, plus downloadable guided meditations to reset your emotional baseline.

Healthy Sensitivity is a self-paced course with 8 lessons and zero video content. It’s designed for overstimulated parents and sensitive adults who need fast, effective tools for peace. Explore the course here

You Deserve Tools That Work for You

As a parent, your needs matter just as much as your child’s. When you live with traits of pathological demand avoidance in adults, you are constantly navigating an invisible tug-of-war between what the world asks of you and what your nervous system can manage.

That’s why understanding PDA matters, because it gives you the language to ask for support, reduce shame, and parent from a more grounded, less reactive place. Whether you’re identifying PDA traits in yourself, your child, or both, there are real, evidence-based strategies that can help.

And if you’re a highly sensitive person, please know that your sensitivity is not the problem;v it’s your superpower. With the right support, you can learn to navigate life (and parenthood) with more ease, more grace, and more confidence.

Ready to feel more emotionally steady and supported as a sensitive parent? Join Healthy Sensitivity and discover how much calmer life can feel, starting today.