As a Parenting Coach who works with highly sensitive families, I hear this all the time: “My kids are always fighting… what am I doing wrong?” If you’ve asked yourself the same thing, take a deep breath. Sibling rivalry is not a sign of failure. In fact, it’s a completely normal part of childhood, and it can actually help your children develop critical life skills when approached with the right tools.
In this article, I’ll walk you through the developmental stages of sibling rivalry, share practical conflict resolution strategies, and offer insights from my own experience growing up in a family where the dynamic between siblings was anything but simple.
Why Sibling Rivalry Happens
Sibling rivalry happens in every family, but in highly sensitive homes, it can feel more intense. Sensitive children experience conflict deeply. They might cry harder, feel more guilt after an argument, or get overwhelmed by their sibling’s energy or noise. Add in birth order, temperament differences, and limited emotional regulation skills, and it’s easy to see why tension between family members can erupt.
But here’s the good news: sibling rivalry isn’t just a headache, it’s a chance to teach your kids how to navigate conflict, set boundaries, and express emotions healthily. In other words, it’s not just about getting through the day, it’s about preparing them for life.
Sibling Rivalry at Different Developmental Stages
Working with many different families, kids, and highly sensitive people throughout the years, I know that there are different challenges at every stage and age in life. Understanding what’s typical at each stage of childhood helps you respond with empathy and intention. Let’s break it down.
Ages 2–5: The “Mine!” Stage
What to Expect:
- Concrete thinking leads to rigid ideas about “fairness”
- Limited emotional control often results in hitting or yelling
- Huge need for attention, especially from parents
- Struggles with sharing toys, space, and caregivers
At this age, the family dynamic is driven by survival: “Am I safe? Am I loved?” Highly sensitive toddlers and preschoolers may react strongly to even the smallest slights from a sibling.
Supportive Strategies:
- Create consistent routines with one-on-one time for each child
- Use simple language: “You’re mad. You wanted that toy.”
- Set up the environment to prevent conflicts (yes, that means duplicate loveys or puzzles)
- Be a calm, present role model—they’re watching everything you do
Ages 6–8: Words Replace Whacks
What to Expect:
- Kids start using words… but often in the form of insults
- Emerging awareness of strengths and differences
- Deeper play involving rules (and arguments about those rules)
- More opportunities for connection and cooperation
These early elementary years are a great time to lay a foundation for resolving conflict and building empathy between siblings.
Supportive Strategies:
- Teach basic conflict resolution skills: “I feel ___ when you ___”
- Encourage them to brainstorm solutions during a family meeting
- Celebrate differences and strengths: “You’re great at puzzles, and your sister’s amazing at building.”
- Let them attempt to resolve conflicts themselves—step in only when necessary
Ages 9–12: Identity and Independence
What to Expect:
- Understanding of fairness evolves, sameness no longer equals equality
- Increased need for privacy and personal space
- Siblings start to learn what buttons to push (and often push them)
- Shared jokes and inside references start to emerge
At this stage, highly sensitive kids may struggle more with teasing or sarcasm. What feels playful to one child may feel like deep rejection to another.
Supportive Strategies:
- Define clear boundaries around rooms, clothes, and special items
- Provide a family framework for handling disputes before they escalate
- Validate both kids’ feelings while addressing negative behavior
- Remind them they’re on the same team—shared family goals help
Ages 13–18: Less Frequent, More Intense
What to Expect:
- Teens seek to differentiate themselves from siblings
- Conflicts may be fewer, but more emotionally charged
- More capacity for empathy and reflection
- Peer relationships take precedence, but sibling bonds still matter
Highly sensitive teens may internalize sibling rivalry more than they show on the surface, especially if they feel unseen or misunderstood in comparison to a sibling.
Supportive Strategies:
- Offer mediation instead of mandates, let them feel heard
- Respect their growing need for independence
- Highlight their unique contributions during family time
- Model what healthy, respectful conflict looks like in adult relationships
My Story: Sibling Rivalry from the Inside
I wasn’t just a sensitive child; I was a sensitive sibling. My older brother, a logic-loving academic superstar who would eventually go to Harvard Law, couldn’t have been more different from me. I struggled in school, was emotionally reactive, and saw the world through a creative, intuitive lens.
Our differences often felt like a wedge between us. But I’ll never forget the day he asked for my help designing a book report cover. For the first time, my unique wiring was valuable. That small moment helped me see that our different gifts could complement each other rather than compete.
This experience shapes how I help parents today. I’ve seen how understanding each child’s wiring, and your own, can transform sibling rivalry into a relationship built on respect and appreciation.
How to Resolve Conflicts Without Playing Referee
The best way to resolve conflicts between siblings? Don’t try to solve everything for them. Instead, coach them toward finding their own solutions.
1. Create a Simple Conflict Resolution Process
Start with an age-appropriate structure. For young kids, it could be:
- Say how you feel
- Listen to your sibling
- Think of one idea that works for both of you
For older children, introduce the idea of compromise and win-win solutions.
2. Validate Emotions Without Excusing Behavior
Teach your kids to separate feelings from actions:
- “It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to throw the remote.”
- “You’re allowed to feel jealous. Let’s talk about it instead of screaming.”
- “Being frustrated doesn’t mean we stop being kind.”
3. Know When to Step Back
Before jumping in, ask:
- “What have you tried already?”
- “What would be fair for both of you?”
- “How can we solve this as a team?”
Trust that your children are learning,imperfectly but powerfully, how to be in relationship with others.
Final Thoughts: It Gets Better (Really)
Sibling rivalry can be exhausting, especially when you’re parenting sensitive children who feel everything so deeply. But I promise you, the messy moments are teaching them more than you realize.
Keep your focus on:
- Development, not perfection, every brain matures at its own pace
- Connection, not just correction, relationships are built through shared laughter and repair after conflict
- The big picture, today’s squabble could be tomorrow’s funny family story
As parents, we are role models for how to handle conflict, show empathy, and value each family member’s unique gifts. When we lead with love and clear boundaries, we empower our children to grow into adults who know how to navigate life’s relationships with resilience and respect.
And remember: even the most heated sibling rivalry can evolve into a lifelong bond, one that’s been forged through challenge, compassion, and the beautiful mess of growing up together.
About Melissa Schwartz
Melissa Schwartz helps Highly Sensitive Families and Adults master their emotions, set healthy boundaries (within themselves and with others), and embrace their deep capacity for empathy. As a Stanford alumna, author, public speaker, and co-founder of Leading Edge Parenting, she has supported families on six continents in transforming their most challenging dynamics into opportunities for healing and growth. Melissa is the co-author of Authentic Parenting Power and Rico the Race Car: Rico’s Bumpy Week, and a three-time host of The Shift Network’s “Sensitives, Intuitives and Empaths Summit.” She lives in Southern California with her family, her flock of chickens, and Maggie the highly sensitive dog.
If you enjoyed this article about Sibling Rivalry, you might also enjoy:
- Raising a Strong Willed Child: Practical Tips for a Peaceful, Connected Home
- Single Parenting: Real Talk for Solo Parents Raising Sensitive Kids
- Tantrums and Meltdowns: What’s Really Going On (And What You Can Do About It)
Pin-it for later: Navigating Sibling Rivalry: A Developmental Guide for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children
